Grown Girl

It's late again, it always is. I won't bore you with time specifics today, but I will let you in on one thing (Okay, who am I kidding? Maybe a few more). One of the key reasons I keep finding myself deleting my previous is mostly because I feel like it's not a piece I'd be somewhat proud of owning, that or, I don't think it'd be appropriate for parents/bosses/workmates/classmates/whoever I have a moderate amount of contact with. Not because what I post is explicit, but more so, that it sounds like a personal attack towards them. When, reality is, I'm just in a state of frustration and kind of don't know what else to do with myself; it's not really directed towards anyone, but just a general rant about anything and everything. 

This was probably one of the main reasons I decided to give up blogging in high school. It started off as a harmless diary sorta thing: "I hate my advanced maths teachers blah blah, or why is life so unfair that my parents won't let me have a dog, and instead got me a human brother?" That kinda stupid thing. Then people found out, and it garnered much interest, as to who the subject was each time. I'd write quite ambiguously; not noting whether it was the rude red lipstick wearing, stiletto-clad, ugly designer dress wearing snob, sniggering at me from behind her equally disastrous sunglasses and cup of Starbucks, or the annoying girls who unconsciously felt the need to compete for everything at school.

By the time I was 15, and in eleventh grade, I decided to take a new direction with my blog. New domain, fresh start to the 14 year old bratty me. I travelled around quite a bit and my interest in fashion had fully taken off by then.. I think. So I decided to blog about something different after being inspired by the likes of Nicole Warne, Margaret Zhang, Rumi Neely, Amanda Shadforth, Sara Donaldson, Aimee Song and countless editorials. It should come to be no surprise that I wanted to blog my travels and growing style.

That path failed again, because being an asian full time high schooler in her senior years meant pressure to get into a good university. Which essentially equated to no time to edit and make quality posts. So yeah, little background story over. Where am I heading now? I don't know. Really, I don't. You might wanna watch this (something I made a little while back):

It sums up the hardest year of my life pretty well, and for now, I'm just cruising along. Satisfied, but nothing makes my heart skips a beat. Architecture seems to be the best fit for me right now, but after a visit to the ER, my interest in medicine was sparked once again. 

My somewhat newly diagnosed anxiety has found me unable to let go of anything, eating me up late at night and overanalysing everything. My memory is at it's peak 24/7, but these days I find myself being able to accept things as they are. I can let go of things within seconds some days, and others I will fight the urge to blow up in someone's face (premium retail *rolls eyes*). Which, in my personal opinion, is a huuuuggeee development from the person I was until a mere six months ago. 

I'm still pissed the the freaking 40-something year old cashier at Aldi, thinking her rudeness is acceptable in customer service, especially because I happen to be younger. Luckily, I have more patience these days or else, who knew what could've happened to her poor excuse of existence. I really need to voice my opinion in people with personalities like hers more often (and maybe rid any possibility of a physical threat). Oops, this whole post was just contradicted wasn't it? Well, I'm a paradigm wrapped in an oxymoron, smothered in a paradox. 

Y.

Back At It

It's 3:41am again, and I find myself still awake - doing things I maybe shouldn't be at this hour. In today's case, it's delving deeper into apartment friendly puppies (toy poodles, pugs, cavoodles, cocker spaniel and dachshunds are all currently on my radar), searching architectural internships, finding a likeable blog design (do you like it?) while waiting for the awesome design my boo designed (i'm so excited and can't wait to show you guys), and watching each and every single episode of Jimmy Kimmel's celeb's reading mean tweets (and trying not to wake my new housemate with my arbitrary peals of laughter). 

I been missing in action most of summer, and have good reason too. I've been trying to adult; I think I've just about got it! I've been settling down in my first permanent home away from (the family) home, working almost non-stop (come at me world); only taking a four day break to visit my family in January. I feel like I've talked about this before and just rambling by now. But, should I delete my previous posts and this the first you see of my entries, then no, no I'm not rambling. Heh.

Since we last talked; I uploaded my first proper youtube video, refined my style to an extent, been working 30 ish hours/week (unheard of in my books) and have been eating out an unhealthy number of times. Too much good food here, only so much free time to wander around. Oh, I also got netflix, which means you probably won't be seeing too much of me outside. 

I feel like there was a lot more I intended on disclosing here in this post, but it's pretty much 4am and I can't really think any more. All that's on my mind is how to arrange my uni timetable so I have a life, whether or not to get final cut pro that is now $500, and where I'm going for my mid-year holiday. Having not travelled internationally in almost a year, I'm consumed by wanderlust and have the strong urge to depart right now. But we both know that's not going to happen (screw you approaching semester and holidaying workmates). 

I could go on for hours, maybe in days of the places I want to go and things I want to do. I'll do you a favour and not bore you to death, but very big plans are in the making. A mini Asian tour in currently in the makes and I'm trying to convince Dad to take my brother and I to Europe instead of the US for our graduation trip next year. 

Well I think I should make my way to bed, because it's my first three days off in a row in what seems like a month, and I intend on making the most of it. Pancakes, exploring and shopping are all on tomorrow's itinerary. 

Y.

Out of the Woods.

Wow. So it's 2016, and I don't recall making a single post in December. I failed already, and it hadn't been a month... But it was December and.. and ... I was moving into a new place, having a bunch of visitors, and getting life sorted in all aspects. 

Since we last talked, some things have changed I guess. I now have a permanent Melbourne base, sport dark hair (black greyish purple pink... more on that later), and turned 19. It doesn't sound that eventful... but I literally did not stay home a full day in December which saddens me greatly. Today is  honestly the first full day that I spent at home, and that's because I couldn't be bothered getting up for a BBQ at a family friend's place. 

I drifted in and out of sleep the whole day. Eventually, at four pm today, I decided to haul my lazy ass out of bed and get started with life. I feel like all of 2015's tiredness caught up with me today. Also! I had such a vivid dream. It was amazing, a fantasy story involving eccentric 10 year olds being trained for something and disappearing one by one... wait now it sounds like a murder mystery. I can't remember the full thing which saddens me, but it left such a impact on me!

But heeyyy, it's a new year and I've got big plans. I wouldn't call them resolutions.. they sound too big of a commitment, but I do have some goals which I'm hoping to kick off very very soon. January is still going to be a damn busy month due to having visitors, renting out the other room in my new apartment twice, flying home for an extremely short break and a wedding. 

I'm also in the process of getting a cool layout for this blog, so it'll make me look somewhat more professional.... maybe. Hahaha. I feel like I'm running out of things to say... which is kind of a rarity. I don't really want to reflect on last year, because I'd feel like I'm trying to live the past and regurgitate bad and good experiences (I'll just leave it at, I had a lot of hardships, but I think I can adult now). But then again, it's late and I need to hit the sack and work on my 2015 video. I'm attempting to start a youtube channel you see... travel vlogs etc. I'm also going to revive my creative side and start doing artworks again, I want to start writing too... I don't feel like I'm in any position to do so though, can I even grammar? We shall find out hahah. 

Now that I've written this here, I think it makes me somewhat more obliged to compel. 

Y.

Exhausted

Whew. It's been such a hard week. 

I've never had to go through so many emotions and and annoying people in the course of seven days. Who knew I'd be such a wreck after almost 168 hours? Personal issues aside (hey I still get bullied, and probably will until the end of time), I have two stories for you! One being my missed five minutes of fame that'll have you crying in frustration with me, and the other being some of the people I encounter in store that can honestly win awards for being a shitty person. 

I'll start with the sad story so I can end on a lighter note. I'm sure all retail workers can relate when I say that some (potential) customers will attack you for the stupidest of reasons; and the ones who work in premium/ high end brands like me can reeeaallly empathise with me. It's like they don't know anyone else to vent their frustrations and anger to, so they come into a store under pretence to purchase, when all they really want is to scream or verbally abuse a stranger.

Here's two things that happened to me this week: one, I was filling out a form to send a item off to repair for a customer, there is a part that needs to be circled yes or no, depending on the customer. In this case, the first language of the customer was obviously not english. So he decides to do some selective reading, he fires up his engine and blows steam on me by attacking my "lack of english". I can't read his insists, I can't fill a form correctly, I can't do my job. A icy cold glare shut him up, but the damage was already done. I had to do the remaining hours with a dark cloud over my head. I'm extremely sensitive when someone questions my language abilities, especially when it's my first language. 

I know it's not perfect, but I feel like with the amount of recognition and praise I've received in the past almost two decades, I've developed a bit of a ego and defensiveness. Mostly against illiterate bigots and people who think they have a bit too much money and can look down on everyone else. Another was that we were discontinuing a line of products and sending them off to an outlet store. Woman walks in demanding a item, all whilst yelling at me for not contacting her or pushing her to purchase yesterday when I never seen her before, wasn't working, and the line was still available. People these days, huh.

Just recapping on these tugs at my heart and brain, but it feels a little lighter and throbs less now. Moving onto my final story...

I was invited to the Australian special filming of a show with celebrities I used to adore. When they landed in Melbourne, I didn't really care. I was over them, I repeated over and over. I went out to dinner with a light heart and my phone on silent. Four hours later, I see a message. An invitation to join filming tomorrow morning. I replied at the speed of light, but alas, it was too late. I go home with a heavy heart. The next morning I go to work with a heavy heart, not caring for the amount of security outside my house. After work, my messages are flooded with pictures of everyone spamming me with photos of them RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE AND UNI, FILMING. I cry some more internally and head home and see the trucks and security still there. My heart races, but I know from the amount of fans waiting and security, there is no way into the building. So I head home and cry myself to sleep. The end. 

Hahaha, just kidding. I am actually a bit annoyed with myself. I'm not even that much of a fan, yet still so desperate to see them. I think part of it was because I wanted to satisfy the me from two years ago, part of it being that everyone else was so excited, but mostly it was the missed opportunity to be part of a show I like.

That's all. Working on improving this blog. Kinda don't know how to code or what direction I'm taking with this yet. 

Y

incumbent

It's 1:35 am right now, by the time I finish this post it may be 2 or well after that. And no, that's not late for me... although it really should be. But hey, at least I'm sticking by the one post a week promise I made last post. 

To tell the truth, I'm a bit scared and bit nervous of posting so regularly. One, because my life obviously is not that eventful - it consists mostly of food, shopping, work and study - which really, is quite hard (sometimes impossible due to no photo rules) to document. Two, because I like to aggressively state my opinions on anything and everything, and finally three, all my life has mostly been based on performance and set standards. So I've developed extremely high expectations of everything, myself included. 

The past week has been a bit of a headache due to an array of errands I've had to run and difficult people I've had to encounter, which lead to a bit of retail therapy - my inner shopaholic had been caged up far too long. I've also realised just how serious my overthinking is, thanks to the people around me, but classifying me under anxiety disorder seems so serious and overwhelming. Could someone please clarify the fine line between overthinking and anxiety for me?

Recently, I feel like a lot of things have not been up to my standards, well at least can't justify its own price tag. This has led to the people around me always trusting my opinions; if I talk big, it's really good, and if I say it's bad, it really is. For instance, I went to a quite hyped online monogrammed leather shop was doing a popup, of course being the curious person I was, I dashed over in hopes of ticking many people off my christmas list. I even got my boss and a few colleagues very interested and wanting a full report when I got back. *I'm such a trendsetter, flicks hair over shoulder* My verdict? A little disappointed, the quality was not consistent and they only offered what seemed like 1/30 of their range. My boss even sent someone else for a second opinion (he decided they were ok enough to go through with). 

I don't even know if I'm satisfied with my blog layout and posts either actually, I'm trying my best to resist the urge to delete posts right after I write them, so I'll try and not re-read anything. If I have grammatical errors... well then. But I really am trying to figure out a layout and style I do like to write in, so do keep a look out for that. I also have plans for youtube, doing travel diaries and whatnot, lol don't worry I'll never become a beauty guru, I'm too crap at makeup and I can't sit through all that footage containing me in it. 

I'm talking big words now, so let see if I can walk the walk. Eek. Seeya sometime next week! Off to do some brainstorming for the interior of my new apartment. 

Y.

hello, its me.

Ok, ok. How many times now have a said I will write on a regular basis? Too many that I can't even count with all my phalanges- yes that means more than 20.... i think. Do I even think anymore? idk man. Lately, it seems as though my heart ate my brain and took its place as the dictator of my body.... that's weird. I'm weird. Hi. 

It's already the middle of November, which means the end of a year is dawning upon us yet again and it's exactly my second year out of high school and I've completed two years of university. The last few years have always been crazy, by this time of year I'd normally be preparing to fly to Beijing and spend the summer (winter to the other side of the world) there and so, I haven't really felt the sun in awhile. I should probably fill you in on where I've been the past year and a bit right? It's only polite.

Well... for starters in 2014, I went blonde, received a scholarship in Beijing, turned 18, dealt with some villains (more on that later), quit my Business and Arts dual degree and accepted a offer to study architecture at the University of Melbourne and moved out of the family home literally the same day I got back from Beijing in March this year. 2000 km away in fact, I'm no longer in Brisbane. I've left almost everything and everyone I've known for almost eight years of my life behind, and started a journey alone. Starting out in a city where you have little friends and no family is hard, not going to lie. 

Nothing prepared me for the exhaustion and the depression I would feel in the first half of the year. Going into architecture with no experience in the skills it needed and my own need for "perfection" required me to work so much harder than everyone else, and thus I got little sleep, and even less time to socialise. The house my dad wanted me to live in turned out to be one of the worst decisions ever. The owner and the housemates just gave me hell. Theft, taking advantage of me, dirtiness were just somethings that happened. If you are making decisions like this, just make sure you're happy with your choices and not just following with what someone else thinks. 

I remember being tossed out of the comfort blanket I was always wrapped firmly with, I totally fell off the wagon, to the point where I sometimes found myself awkward when talking to someone longer than five minutes and get tired when I go out longer than an hour. I lost interest in most things and found many things not up to standard. Drastic change from who I was last year. I kept reminding myself that I chose this path, so loneliness and sleepless nights are inevitable and come packaged. I just felt so lost and confused. It wasn't the same lost I felt a year ago as a 17 year old, not knowing what or where I wanted to go. That time it was more of an emotional lost, just feeling really disconnected and distant from everyone and thing. I felt really burnt out from the intensive first semester amongst personal things.

As soon as I could, I got out of there, and I must say I'm so much happier now and good things have happened to me this half of the year. I think I've really matured and experienced what being an adult is being 18 and blonde. Before I turn 19 I kinda want to go a different colour now, just so I can move on from the hardships and growth I experienced as a blonde. But can I really afford to lose anymore brain cells? I feel like the bleach has gotten to my brain :P

Seeya soon! I'm going to make a promise here that I put something up every week, unless I have inevitable commitments- then maybe once every fortnight. 

Y

beginning of 179cm

Last November, at 16, literally fresh out of high school, I boarded a international flight alone for the first time in my life to spend four months in Beijing for schoolies (high school grads book out hotel rooms and drink) with family and exploring my hometown properly.

You know you won't be sleeping during the thirteen hours flight when you discover the person next to you is a loud snorer who doesn't know its inconsiderate to use the person next to him as a pillow. So I landed in Hong Kong for bleary eyed. Six hours meant too much time to kill in an airport terminal, and too little to attempt going to the mainland.

One hour was killed by sleeping (albeit uncomfortable), sprawling my long body across four or five seats (there was no one around ok). Managed to kill another two by hunting some food. Testing my macbook's capacities took another hour and the remaining two were went by with a impulse shopping spree, consisting mostly of Disneyland (and comparing HK prices to Australian prices in duty free). Another four hours on a plane found me in Beijing; coldest night of the year so far. I went directly from the blazing heat of Australia into the frost of winter, my body was not happy to say the least. 

The first few days were spent adjusting to polluted air and settling back into my great grandmother's humble abode, feeling great to be home and slightly awkward that there was a maid (i could totally get used to having someone cook and clean for me). But nothing prepared me for the onslaught of Chinese lessons from a tutor (courtesy of le papa) who constantly nitpicked at my work like a famished crow. That was no fun. At all. Really.

Shopping for clothes was always interesting (oh, how is she so BIG?! they'd "whisper"). I also visited or was visited by family members near and slightly further. Altogether, I was sick three times during my stay; two of which were in the first three weeks. Enough of my blab, here are some photos from the first few days.

the walls and corridors of most apartments are appalling; permanent advertisements everywhere. 

first day meal: fried fish thrown in boiling sauce.

warm looking weather; bitter reality.

custard cream flavoured popcorn

the view from my 32nd floor room, can you see the pollution?

some restaurant's lighting.

something you must try in beijing, candied crabapples. just try find indoor vendors if you're a hygiene freak like i am.